as angel plays on pandora, i'm reminded of my childhood and my beloved pink boombox and the fisher-price tape player that preceded it. i spent many an afternoon, in my room, with a pencil in hand, singing and dancing in front of the mirror accompanied by my tape player. i loved those tape players. i think, though, what i loved more was the joy singing along to my favorite song of the moment gave me. as a child, whether or not i was good was never an issue. i sang and danced with the reckless abandon that only a 7 year old could. in my mind, i was just as good as those junior vocalists on star search. it wasn't until i tried out for choir in the 4th grade (and didn't see my name on the list of those who made it) that i began to think otherwise.
as i grew older, and moved from bath to shower, and as my boombox got bigger and upgraded from tape only to tape & CD, my boombox started accompanying me into the bathroom. behind closed doors, with the water running, i was able to sing along to lucero de méxico in the same way i sang along to like a virgin when i was 7. the intimacy of the shower freed me to be the mariachi diva i knew i was meant to be. she never surfaced in my high school days. low self-esteem is a crippling bastard.
in my 20's, sick of lingering self-doubt and the remnant teasing from my college friends, i took a couple of singing lessons. mentally, i don't think i was ready to hear how truly awful i was. so i went back to acting classes. mainly because it didn't hurt so bad when i fucked up, everyone did. my desire to be on stage was fed but, without singing, was never truly satiated.
so, this year, the year in music, i'm learning to play the piano on the advice of the voice teacher i had. in june, i had my first voice lesson of my 30's and in a week i'll have my first group vocal lesson. not really the same as singing like a prayer at the mint and definitely not the same as singing in the shower. i think i'm prepared for the work i have ahead of me, but nevertheless, self-conscience and scared out of my mind.
only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
-dorothy thompson
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